How Ke$ha ruined my workout

If you could tell your 20-year-old self anything, what would it be?

Stay away from that guy? Floss?

How about, put on some deoderant and stop farting in public?

Now that the school year is over, my local gym is overrun with girls who are home from college for the summer. There are some women who envy these girls, with their fresh faces and sun-taned skin. (That's a whole other issue. I really hope it's spray tan for their sake.)

But I think it's great. And I smile at them and I think their sorority T-shirts are cute and I wonder what their majors are and if they're dating nice boys.

But something has changed.

The soririty T-shirts are big ugly tank tops that would look better on Hulk Hogan.
Their hair is a mess instead of nicely pulled back in a pony tail.
And they fart. Like constantly.

I'm in my kickboxing class, and these nice young girls look like a mess. And they smell like a mess. And they completely ruined my class because instead of gasping for air because of the extreme cardio, I was gasping for fresh air because of all the flatulence in the air.

And as the smell hit me, so did this: Ke$ha did this!

While I'm a fan of her music (concert in August! Yay!), she's dirty and gross. She brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack for goodness sake. And she's ruined both America's youth, and my workout. Thanks a lot, Ke$ha.

Science lesson

The major components of the flatus, which are odorless, by percentage are:

• Nitrogen: 20–90%
• Hydrogen: 0–50%
• Carbon dioxide: 10–30%
• Oxygen: 0–10%
• Methane: 0–10%